Rev. David Holwick
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
April 25, 1993
Psalm 31:5-16
STAGES OF GRIEF
I. Grief has an impact on every person.
A. Funeral for unnamed baby found in Ledgewood.
1) Wrapped in four garbage bags, abandoned to die.
2) Community service expressed sorrow more than grief.
3) Somewhere, a young woman is grieving, secretly.
B. Often grief is more public.
A newspaper reporter in Chicago received a telephone call.
It was from a man named James Lee, and he said he was sending
the newspaper a letter containing the story of his suicide.
Immediately the reporter tried to trace the call.
But he was too late.
When the police arrived, the young man was slumped in the phone
booth with a bullet through his head.
In one of his pockets, they found a child's crayon drawing.
It was all wrinkled up and faded, but obviously the man
treasured it.
On the back of it a note said: "Please leave this in my pocket.
I want to have it buried with me."
The drawing was signed by his little daughter, Shirley, who had
been killed in a fire just 5 months before.
When she died, Lee had been so full of grief he asked total
strangers to attend her funeral so she would have a nice service.
He told them there was no family left because Shirley's mother
had died when the child was 2 years old.
James Lee could not handle the despair, so he took his life.
#2190
C. Grief is a serious matter.
1) Pressure situations and their corresponding life-change units.
2) If you add up to 150 in a year, your health will break down.
43. Minor violations of the law (e.g., traffic
tickets, jaywalking, etc.) 11
42. Christmas 12
41. Vacation 13
24. In-law troubles 29
17. Death of a close friend 37
12. Pregnancy 40
10. Retirement from work 45
8. Being fired at work 47
7. Marriage 50
4. Detention in jail or other institution 63
3. Marital separation from mate 65
2. Divorce 73
1. Death of spouse 100
#1495
D. We must prepare ourselves to be realistic about grief.
1) Christians grieve, but not like others. 1 Thess 4:13
II. Blessed are those who mourn. Matt 5:4
A. Our culture doesn't value mourning.
1) There's often a strong reaction against funerals.
a) We want to be entertained and positive.
2) Right after the Vietnam War a newspaper took a poll on the
topic of mourning.
The overwhelming majority of those who responded thought
individuals should be through mourning between 48 hours
and two weeks after a death.
Even doctors and nurses who work with mourners on a regular
basis assume that mourning ought to be short.
They become very concerned if the mourner exhibits
characteristics of grief much beyond the first month.
According to Ann Kaiser Sterns, when a significant loss has
us in its grip, a minimum of six months to a year is
usually required for healing.
Some aspects of the grieving process continue into the second
or third year.
Resolution may not come until even later.
#2495
B. Jesus mourned.
1) He was perfect and had complete trust in God, but he wept
at death of friend Lazarus. John 11:35
2) He also mourned at his own death. (Gethsemane)
C. Christians mourn.
1) When the poor in spirit, having given up on themselves and
their attempts to find happiness, turn in humility toward
God, they discover they have been seized - wholly seized -
by the grace of God.
2) We cannot live under God's authority in a sinful world
without mourning.
3) Our hearts need to break with the things that break God's
heart.
D. We don't always mourn the right way.
Kathy Olsen remembers it as a dreary January morning.
She sat with her mother and five brothers and sisters near the
casket and open grave of her father.
He had taken his life two days earlier.
The police had found a .45 caliber pistol and a note beside his
body in the apartment where he had lived since he and her
mother divorced.
As they sat on those cold metal chairs, men lowered the casket
into the ground, and the minister came up to each of them to
offer comfort.
Probably because she was almost tearless, he put his hand on her
shoulder and quietly said, "You have been very strong."
At that moment and for years afterward, she believed him.
She has come to realize how wrong they both were.
Before becoming a Christian she had always buried her emotions.
She dodged the pain because she was afraid of despair, because
without the Lord, there is only despair.
After becoming a Christian she gained the benefit of God's
promises and the support of other Christians.
Then her first child was born with spina bifida, a severe birth
defect.
Her habit of suppressing emotions was still a strong coping
mechanism.
Some mistook her composure for deep faith and told her how strong
she was.
The message she kept hearing in her mind was that grief and strong
faith are incompatible.
"Rejoice always."
"All things work together for good."
"In everything give thanks."
Since those difficult days, God has shown her the fallacy of
that message.
His deep compassion has provided beauty and comfort in the
midst of her sorrow.
#2496
III. Recognizing sorrow. #2496
A. Sorrow is the sadness due to a loss.
1) Jesus had perfect faith, yet knew sorrow in Lazarus' death.
2) Sorrow and grief are natural and healthy emotions.
3) They are realistic in the face of this world's real woes.
4) Sorrow is temporary. Our sorrow turns to joy. John 16:20
B. Despair is the loss of all confidence or hope.
1) Christians never need to despair, because we always have
hope in Jesus.
2) Paul says he was perplexed, but not in despair. 2 Cor 4:8
C. Self-pity is the self-indulgent lingering on sorrow.
1) It may involve accumulating sorrows from yesterday and
those imagined for tomorrow, bringing all the pain
of past and future into the present.
2) Each day has enough trouble. (Matt 6:34) Don't add to it.
3) Sorrow is an emotion, not a sin.
IV. Drinking the cup of sorrow. #2496
A. Grief comes in different quantities, but the amount to be
drunk is always limited.
B. We cannot feel God's comfort until we have felt our sorrow.
1) There is a time to weep and a time to laugh. Eccl 3:4
2) The ancient Jews expressed this by tearing their clothing,
putting ashes in their hair, wearing special clothes
and wailing. They even hired people to mourn for them.
3) Recovery comes from grieving with a pure sorrow, believing
God's tremendous compassion, and receiving his gift
of restored joy.
V. Psychologists divide the grieving process into four stages. #2496
A. The first stage, numbness, lasts about two weeks.
1) You feel stunned.
2) You do not really feel they are dead.
3) Everything seems unreal.
When the wife of C.S. Lewis died, he wrote:
No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.
I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.
The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness.
I keep on swallowing.
B. Numbness soon gives way to searching and yearning.
1) You become restless and impatient.
2) There may be feelings of anger and guilt, that you don't
understand.
3) Anger needs to be allowed to come out.
One young couple refused to admit their anger when
their five-year-old daughter died.
Within six months they were divorced.
Within a year the woman was in a mental hospital.
If the anger does not come out, healing cannot take
place.
4) Guilt can be even harder to handle.
a) The past cannot be rewritten.
b) Some guilt is for real sin and needs God's forgiveness.
c) Other guilt occurs even though you have done the
best you could.
C. After about five months, the disorientation phase begins.
1) You become disorganized, depressed, acutely aware of
your loss. Ps 31:9f
2) If the anger and guilt have not been dealt with, they
weigh you down. You may gain or lose many pounds.
Actress Helen Hayes described her first two years of
widowhood:
"I was just as crazy as you can be and still be at large."
#2496
3) The disorientation can last as long as two or three years.
D. Reorganization is the last phase.
1) Concentration gets better. Judgment improves.
2) Normal eating and sleeping patterns return.
3) Joy returns. It is God's gift, not a right. Ps 51:8,12
VI. Allow others to grieve.
A. We cannot judge when another person has cried enough or
mourned enough.
1) The only instruction we are given about how to handle
those who weep is to weep with them. Rom 12:15
2) Allow them to drink their cup of sorrow; share it with
them and it will be empty sooner. John 11:33-36
B. There is a place for grief in God's presence.
VII. The Church must minister to those who grieve.
A. Three out of every four women will be a widow. #2496
1) LaVonne Neff told a close friend that she was writing an
article about widows, the friend responded,
"Tell your readers that widowhood has little to recommend it.
I still miss my husband dreadfully."
2) Another widow said,
"Life's crises must be terrible for people who don't have
Jesus for a friend.
He certainly got me through a difficult time."
B. Those who have grieved can give comfort to others. 2 Cor 1:4
1) Mourners are more likely to become instruments of God's
healing in this world.
2) Behind every hospital and hospice was someone who mourned.
a) They hurt enough to do something about it.
b) Candy Lightner mourned the death of her daughter and
formed MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. #2498
C. Grieving people are open to the promises of God.
1) Faith in God is our ultimate refuge.
2) Jesus came to conquer death and its fears.
3) When he returns, sorrow will finally cease. Rev 21:4
(Study notes are extensive but omitted)
